Gods rewarding people by setting them in the sky as stars is a terrible idea. Would you like to be stuck up in the sky with nothing to do? I think not. Poor Eärendil had to sail the “cold and pathless voids” every single day, including Federal holidays, only with the consolation that elven housewife Elwing would turn into a bird and fly up to greet him as he pulled into the driveway.

Or take Amalthaea, a goat who suckled Zeus. For that tender act, Zeus stuck her up among the stars. What is a goat supposed to do among the stars? I’m sure she cried her eyes out. She’d probably prefer to be on some grassy hillside, eating thistles and yakking it up with all the other goats.

Or Callisto, a nymph seduced by Jupiter cosplaying as Diana. (I want to be sympathetic with Callisto, but didn’t she ever wonder why Diana had a penis? Callisto doesn’t seem to have been the sharpest nymph in drawer.) Diana changed her into a bear, and Jupiter set her in the sky, along with her kid, another bear. So now the poor girl’s a bunch of stars in the shape of a bear, she’s eternally separated from both her lovers, Jupiter and Diana, and can’t even chill with her kid, because Ursa Major and Ursa Minor are on opposite sides of the sky.

Look, this putting people into the sky as stars has got to stop. It’s not right. It’s not fair. It looks a bit too much like gods getting inconvenient people out of their lives by kicking them upstairs.